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Cooking with Hunk and Pidge

With special guest: ?

 

 Hunk: Hello and welcome to a VERY special Cooking with Hunk and Pidge.

 Pidge: Yes. Today we have an EXTRA special guest here with us . . .

Muffled thumping comes from the faux kitchen counter in front of Hunk and Pidge.  Pidge kicks the counter and the noise stops with a whine.  Pidge turns and faces Hunk.

Should we introduce him? . . . or leave him to his fate?

I think it would be appropriate to bring out this particular guest early.

Alright everybody, let's have a round of applause for our guest.

Both co-host's look brightly at the camera as they lean in towards each other to produce a bound and gagged figure from below the counter.  They place the squirming mass on the stool between them.  Pidge smiles as he turns towards his victim to stage his mock interview.

So. Lance. What do you think about being on the show here with us today?

 Lance: Grr, mumble, grumble, growl.

Really?

Growl, grumble, grr.

How insightful.

Then again, this is not your first time on the show is it?

(silence)

What was that? I did not quite hear you.

(evil glare)

Uhhh. That boy is like a wet cat when he is pissed.

Pidge looks at Hunk.

Should we untie him?

I'm not sure. Do you think he learned his lesson?

Lance slouches on the stool.  His face scrunches up to show his displeasure.

I think so. We better start untying him.

Pidge's jaw drops as if to say "Is that all we are going to do to him?".  At this point Hunk has just loosen the bounds on Lance's hands.  Lance is still quite until the cloth between him and intelligible speech is taken off.  Then Lance bust into animation.

WHO EVER HEARD OF ATTACKING A GUY IN HIS SLEEP—

Both Hunk and Pidge rush to stuff the gag back in Lance's mouth.  Amongst the struggle Lance falls back off his chair, taking his captors with him.  The pleasant sounds of scuffling and movement comes from behind the counter.  Suddenly, it stops.
Hunk is the first one to emerge.  He places his left arm on the counter and pulls his weight up.  He is followed by a sheepish Pidge.  Hunk looks off stage left and reveals his black eye to the camera.
Lance is the last to appear; he chuckles to himself as he covers up his nose with both hands.

I'm really sorry . . . I thought I had a clear shot!

Of Hunck. (his hands still covers nose)

Both Pidge and Hunk look at Lance.  Lance uncovers his nose to show a trail of blood trickling down.  Despite his nose, Lance has a sunny disposition.  Hunk looks away disgusted.

Would somebody get him a tissue.

Lance beams at him unabashed.

Betcha didnth thindk your side dkidth pacth such a wollapth? (translation: Bet you didn't think your side kick packed such a wallop?)

Side kick?! I'm not his side kick!

You wouldnth be mine either if you did thad do me.

Go blow your nose!

Hunk passes the box of tissues to Lance as if it were a field pass to the quarterback.

Thankth.

As Lance clears his nasal passages he makes a sound much like a mallard in heat.

Did anyone hear that duck call?

Without removing the tissue from his nose, Lance peers over at Pidge.

shutup.

Lance finishes blowing his nose—as his friends covered their ears—removes the tissue and looks at its contents.

eww. gross.

Curiosity charges his friends and they look over at the tissues' contents.
Lance opens it and brings the tissue over to them to give them a better look.  Pidge responds with a squeal.

Throw that away!

Okay, but I wasn't the one who made you look . . .

He tosses the tissue into the wastebasket placed under the kitchen counter.  Then looks up back and forth between Hunk and Pidge and starts rubbing his hands together.

So. What are we going to make today?

Make? . . . As in cook?

Well, yeah. This is a cooking show . . .

We weren't planning on cooking today—

We were planning on torturing you the whole show . . .

But we changed our minds.

Lance looks suspiciously at them.

Good idea.

So what are we going to do for the rest of the show?

How about Brownies?

Lance flashes Hunk a wicked grin.

No.

I know! How about muffins?

Pidge flashes Hunk a wicked grin.

Not you too!

Not (looks around in low voice) not those muffins.

. . . um . . . okay . . . What kind?

Oat Bran.

Lance's face bunches up again.

(to self) Oat Bran? Who likes oat bran?

At this point, Pidge has just jumped off his stool and is pulling Lance's sleeve.

Lance, why don't you get the raisins out of the freezer.

Pidge is now behind Lance, pushing him towards the big walk-in freezer.

Who ever heard of putting raisins in the freezers?

(pant) We're on a cooking show. (grunt) We have to have exuberant measures to store our ingredients!

Before he can question further, Pidge gives him one last shove into the freezer and slams the door shut.

Umm . . . Pidge . . . we didn't put the raisins in the freezer . . . and didn't you complain earlier how the light is broken in there?

Just start mixing the batter! I'll get the oat bran!

Are you okay little buddy? . . . You seem a little . . . odd.

Pidge's head almost does a 180.  His face contorts with a half-crazed look.

Odd? You think me odd? What could have done that too me . . .

Well actually it could be attributed to that Frosted Fruity Toast™ you eat all the tim—

How about the time he sent that psycho Swedish chef? . . . How he booked Haggar? . . . or Fat Bastard!

Look Pidge I can understand why you are upset, but aren't you a little over reactin—

Over reacting?! REMEMBER POCO EL DIABLO????

Hunk is now curled up behind the kitchen counter trembling.

Now if you excuse me, I have some oat bran to find.

After Pidge disappeared from sight, Hunk emerges from his hiding.

(oat bran?)

The freezer door slams open; a Lance-cicle stands at its foot shivering.   Hunk hurries over to the freezer and shuts the door.

Wwhat iiiis hisis ppproblem?

Don't mind him, he gets quite passionate for his muffins . . . Why don't we go over by the stove so you can warm yourself?

Okkay.

As the two of them walk over to the stove, Lance stops abruptly, and hands Hunk a package.

What is this?

Tthe raisins.

Wow. They were actually in there.

Wwwhat?

Never mind.

Hunk looks over Lance's shoulder to see Pidge stir something as if it would explode unless it was stirred—a second ago.   Hunk leaves Lance to warm himself.

What are you doing?

Stirring.

So I see . . . What?

This.

Pidge pushes a box into Hunks face.  Hunk tries to make out the words.

Co–Lon–Blo. Is that French?

Humor.

Huh? Oh. Here are the raisins.

Thanks . . . Hey. They are frozen!

What did you expect. They did come from the freezer.

Both Hunk and Pidge heads hit the ceiling.  Lance smiles and waves at the camera.

Lance what are you doing here? I thought you were de-frosting.

I was, but I'm done—speaking of which are those done?

Pidge still grabbing his chest, he looks up at Lance.  Pidge's face brightens.

Not yet.

After a twenty minute break by the camera crew, the group continues shooting with the ending.  Pidge brings out the muffins on a plate.

Well, that is our show for today. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as we have—

Pidge nudges Hunks arm.

(in a low voice) Aren't you forgetting something?

Lance pokes his head between the two.

Like what?

The part where the guest tries our muffins.

Pidge is wearing a big silly grin.

I told you before I hate Oat Bran muffins. I never cared for them . . . but come to think of it, I think Keith has a liking to them . . .

But you are here, not Keith . . . now are you going to let a little thing like "dis–like" stand in the way of our friendship?

Yes. You had me bound and gagged earlier.

Oh. A mere joke . . . really.

I'm still not going to eat your nasty muffins.

Nasty! I'll show you nasty!

Keith enters from stage-right.

 Keith: There you are Lance. Where were you?

Lance snatches the muffins from Pidge.

Making these. Care for one . . . they're Oat Bran!

Some how I find it hard to believe you making muffins . . . but I will have one.

Pidge watched stunned as Keith takes a muffin from the stack.

(Oh! Raisins! How exotic!)

Why don't you take the rest and give some to princess?

Yeah. Seeing is Lance won't try them I wouldn't want them to go to waste.

Okay. I don't think she has ever try oat bran before.

Unknowing what he should do, Pidge remains quite as Keith leaves with the muffins.

Lance's eyebrow arches as he turns to Pidge.

Aren't you going to stop him.

Pidge looks even more shocked at Lance.

Evil knows evil . . . By the way, I say you have (Lance looks at watch) five minutes until he reaches Princess. How fast can you run?

Lance barely finish his question before Pidge is out the door.  Lance turns towards the camera and places his right hand over his mouth.   Off in the distance the microphones pick up the sounds of Keith being attacked by Pidge.  Lance pulls his hand away with a smooch.   Meanwhile Hunk looks amazed that Pidge could tackle Keith.

Good night.

The camera fades.



Let Lance take you back to the comic page. The nose!  Watch the nose!